The Gatorade Saga

On Thursday morning, after exhausting myself, I stopped at my favorite Speedway (very clean, lines move efficiently) to purchase a refresher. Upon entry (held the door open for someone despite being exhausted and needing refreshment), I darted to the drink cooler in the rear. There they were, a whole row of Gatorade Zero Lemon Limes ready for purchase and consumption. As I grabbed one, I made it a point to look around and scoff at all the idiots in the Speedway making purchases that didn’t involve replenishing electrolytes.

Needless to say, the Speedway trip was going swimmingly until I was advised by a small sign in the cooler that I could purchase a second Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime for a dollar (“buy 1 get 1 4 $1” or some shit like that). Now I had a decision to make, I only wanted one Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime, but considering just one costs $2.49, adding a second to replenish and hydrate me in the future for a single dollar seemed too good of a bargain to pass up. After being trapped behind a “regular” chatting it up with the Speedway Clerk for what seemed like two hours, I finally made my purchase and proceeded to work.

Once at work, I stowed the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime away in a place to keep it cool for refreshment the next day. I headed to court and worked my cases, intermittently taking huge swigs of my Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime. At one point, I realized I no longer had the bottle with me. Had I finished it and discarded the bottle without thinking or had I left it somewhere? After interrogating my colleagues, I quickly realized that that Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime was not going to be recovered. “Oh well”, I thought, “at least I have refreshment waiting for me tomorrow morning in the form of the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I purchased for one dollar”.

The next day, yesterday, I exhausted myself early in the morning.  The rest of the morning was a blur as I contemplated the refreshment and replenishment awaiting me in the refrigerator at work. The family all got ready, I dropped the kids off, and “floored it” to get to work/hydration as quickly as possible. I finally arrived at work, scanned my security card, muttered something to a coworker, and raced towards the refrigerator, ready for electrolytes.

(This is where the story takes a dark turn, reader discretion advised.)

I was exhausted, but running on adrenaline. I pulled the refrigerator door open with gusto, but my excitement quickly turned to despair, the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I had purchased for one dollar the day before was nowhere to be found. Had someone taken it? Had I drank it and not remembered? Was the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I purchased for one dollar the day before an illusion resulting from dehydration? (This happens to people stranded in the dessert all the time).

At this point I was nearly sobbing, but couldn’t produce tears due to dehydration. On a whim, I opened the freezer portion of the work refrigerator and there it was: a rock solid, frozen form of the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I had purchased for one dollar the day before. My dumbass had put it in the freezer instead of the refrigerator like a fucking idiot! I spent the rest of the day sipping what little melt the heat could produce of the additional Gatorade Zero Lemon Lime that I had purchased for one dollar the day before. The day culminated with me leaving approximately 10 ounces of bottled refreshment undrank and frozen on my desk. Before leaving for the weekend, I stared at that frozen blob and wondered: “what is this world?”, “what is my role in it”, “and why am I so fucking thirsty?”